Birth Control Just Sucks

I have always delt with depression as far back as 12, I am really not a mean person ever unless your my husband (lol) But with being on this birth control I got to the point where I wanted to rip my own hair out of my head and was always upset about everything. So I got off of it and have been off for about 1 week and 4 days. I have been so depressed and down about everything, My panic attacks haven't been showing up as much but that doesnt mean they won't. Its like the things I thought was fun just really isnt fun anymore.

I have two beautiful kids and a husband who does anything for anyone but I am not happy, I really dont think anything makes me happy anymore, except reading the bible. I have to push myself out of bed and even then its hard to do stuff. I don't know what is going on with me and I dont want to be put on some meds that make me into a zombie. I just want to be me again..... and hopefully soon !!!

Missing you

I have a awesome life, A great family, a love for jesus, everything I could really ever want... except one part of my heart is missing, My son who I never got to actually know, I held him for a very short time but Never got to see his eyes. Its hard for me to talk about him without crying my eyes out the pain I have is so very real no matter how I try and hide it. It always comes back at times when I see gideon playing and when I go out it always seems I am looking for someone that I can never find.

As mothers we are suppose to protect our kids and I can't protect gabriel and if anything tears my inside up its that. I have no record of him even being alive... I have a make-shift birth certificate but not a real one. I dont even have proof that he passed away except the papers from the funeral home. During my labor with Gabriel I acted happy and played around but inside I was messed up, I just didn't want everyone to see how bad off I really was. I know this pain will never go away no matter what. Gideon and Noah mean so much to me and God has gave me such a good life but My heart is forever broken. Where ever you are Gabriel... Know I love you more than I have ever loved in my life and I am so proud of you.. You are perfect, Your feet never touched this world, Your not a sinner.. You are a angel and I always dream of you as mine, that may not be but I do hope your someones.. I will forever be waiting to have my heart as a whole. I love you