My Love Letter to GOD!!

You know everything about me... you know How many hairs are on my head and how many times I have cried, You are there in times of need and in times of happiness. I don't always feel you there but I know you are because you promised us this. As I look back on the life you gave me, The parents you blessed me with and my family now. I am so thankful and you have gave me the best gift, You gave me JESUS. All my sins are casted away and you know how many I had and you know I was stupid back there for doing them and not wanting to be different like you made me to be.

I have always felt like I wasn't suppose to be like everyone but be like myself and I have such a hard problem doing this. Help me become what you want me to be. My kids are my world and I know you know this, Thank you for letting me have the gift of family I know alot of people can't have kids and I thank you for letting me be one that could ,I came real close to not being able to though.



I don't always give you the praise you deserve to have and I know I can always do better. I thank you for being there for me when gabriel passed away I feel so bad for that because I had to abort him, not for my own reason but my water had broke and I had a 80% chance of getting a deadly infection and I know you know all of this but sometimes I just need to let it out. Sometimes I think what if I just would of kept him in me and went on not worrying about getting the infection?? although I think It would of killed me and I couldn't leave gideon without a mom. Plus you gave me Noah which I love soo much and I know gabriel would of loved him to. I went to his grave yesterday and even though I know hes not there it still kinda hurts.

Thank you for giving me a good husband, Josh is great and I love him tons but for some reason I am cold to him. Nothing hurts me when it comes to him and I don't understand why?? I just feel like I live with him and not married to him. He does everything for me and sometimes I feel bad cause I do take advantage of that. I just wish we could have a better realtionship. I know my past relationships have messed my head all up and John hurt me so bad with him passing away and the lies I was told. When I get something good I just can't see it.

I remember when I was always a happy person and excited about things, I never really get excited about anything anymore I should be excited about everything. I just pray that you lead me in the right path because I want you to be proud of me. I love you God!!

Ninth body found at site of Santa-suit killings

COVINA, Calif. – A ninth body was found Friday morning at the charred site of a Christmas Eve massacre where a recently divorced man dressed as Santa shot indiscriminately at partygoers and destroyed his former in-laws' house with a homemade device that sprayed flammable liquid.

I saw this as I was going through yahoo today.. This man had killed a nine year old girl who answerd the door... A nine year old Girl????? That is crazy I swear the people in this world are sick and he was dressed like santa so how morbid is that. Santa comming to the door with a gun not presents but a gun. I am praying for that family I could never imagine anyone doing this. He killed nine people and burnt their house down I am guessing because his wife wanted a divorce.. So what go find some other women there are plenty of fish in the sea. It just drives me crazy that alot of these people were over there because the wife or the x-in laws were having a christmas party. Alot of the people that knew this man said he had never acted like he was even capable of this. Well ATTENTION everyone is capable of this.. Its just us sane ones that know from right and wrong.. we don't go and kill people just because they hurt us.. Heck if we all did that half of the population would be gone. I feel so sorry for the families that he took away and right before christmas.

Christmas FUN!!!

I had such a great christmas and got all kinds of really nice stuff but nothing will ever compare to the present josh and my grandma went together on. Since I was about six I have always wanted my grandmas wedding ring that my papa( who passed away before I was born) had gave her. She would always tell me that I couldnt have that ring til I was 25 or when she passed. When I got married at 18 I wanted to get married with that ring but still she wanted to keep it til I was older. I guess a good thing because I am not sure if back then I would of taken good care of it.

Christmas Night I had opened all my presents and everyone kept looking at me and so I knew something was up (lol) well my mama and josh hand me this box and I couldn't even think what would be in it. Maybe josh and her got me some earings or maybe it was a phone. I had No clue and so I opened it and there it was.... the ring I have wanted my whole life all shiney and beautiful. I felt so proud to wear it. This present meant so much to me and I could never repay how I felt with that ring on my finger. To actually have a piece of my papa and mama together in my life was the best present. I just wish he would have seen me get this which I am sure he did but in real life. I sure would of loved to meet him but I am sure someday I will.

Gideon got tons of presents and he was so happy to get some wall-e clothes... santa did a really good job I actually have a LAPTOP now :) and I loooove it !! Its painted dallas cowboys colors and its one of a kind :) like me. I thank god everday for my family, sometimes we fight and I can't stand them but I wouldn't trade any of them. well... Just kidding. God has really Blessed me :)

Is meat really Meat???

Organic:Raised or conducted without the use of drugs, hormones, or synthetic chemicals

You should think that our food should already be without the use of drugs or hormones. I really had no clue what they put in our foods I wonder if anyone has ever done any testing on what the drugs and hormones do to our body. I know certain things our body rejects like sometimes if we get our ears pirced or maybe have to get a new organ. So why would they put something in our food that our body may reject.

I hear the people in the goverment complaining about how american is overweight but why do they make the fatty food so cheap and the Good for you food so expensive. Is the rich people the only people that should be able to enjoy life drug and hormone free?? why can't they just make a law that all our food become organic. Maybe if they did we wouldn't have to worry about all the cases of e-coli that pop up or all the people who get food posion.

Now they are talking about feeding us cloned cow meat and milk...Gross just the sound of that makes me sick. Does this mean there are going to be even more chemicals in our meat??

I care about what goes into my body and my kids bodies I used to think all these organic people where just a bunch of health freaks and lets save the animals but truthfully they have been right all along we are the stupid ones for letting the FDA get by with this crap.

No more chemicals for me.

For Dad....

I know I can't go out and buy you what I would love to buy you, I can't put a price on what you mean to me and I can't give back to what you have always given me which is my life and the life I had may have not always been great at times but no matter how bad things ever got for me you were always there. I am glad to have you as a dad you have always done things for me like you stopping smoking because I wanted you to and when ever I have been in trouble you have always pulled me out of it. I enjoy every minute spent with you and I know one day you won't be around and I am not sure how I will deal with that. You are my best friend I can tell you everything no matter what it is. Alot of people don't have a relationship with their parents like I do with you and I am glad I do have that.

I love you dad and you mean the world to me I thank god for you everyday and Just want you to know how much you really mean to me.. Love ya always

Pooter

Christmas and Heart Drama

This time of year is always so stressful the malls are packed and everyone just seems to be in a bad mood. Christmas to me isn't just about buying people presents or recieveing them... which I love getting things. But it is my LORDS birthday and the meaning of christmas is to love him and to love others, not worrying about if the person you got a present will even like it or about how much you spent on it.

God has gave me many presents and I am so thankful for them even the small ones. My kids, my family, health, and many other things. This past weekend has made me so thankful for my life and the ones in it. I was having some chest pain that I threw off as gas in my chest, come to know I was having heart palpataions every fifth heartbeat which I didn't even know what that was and it scared me I really thought something bad was going to happen to me. I can handle problems with my stomach and having problems with pregnancy which all I have been through but having a problem with my heart was something I wasn't ready to go through.

The stuff I have taken forgranted I don't anymore because I never know how much time I have or the people I know have. I am not going to go through life anymore being a unhappy person just because my hair doesn't look right or because my weight isn't where I want it to be. Because in Gods eyes I am beautiful... he isn't looking on my outside but what is on my inside. I go tomorrow for a echo on my heart and than back to the doctor thrusday to find out what is going wrong. I am not worrying about it and I am leaving it to God... Maybe this was something to pull me out of the slump I have been in and to be truely thankful for what I do have.

Birth Control Just Sucks

I have always delt with depression as far back as 12, I am really not a mean person ever unless your my husband (lol) But with being on this birth control I got to the point where I wanted to rip my own hair out of my head and was always upset about everything. So I got off of it and have been off for about 1 week and 4 days. I have been so depressed and down about everything, My panic attacks haven't been showing up as much but that doesnt mean they won't. Its like the things I thought was fun just really isnt fun anymore.

I have two beautiful kids and a husband who does anything for anyone but I am not happy, I really dont think anything makes me happy anymore, except reading the bible. I have to push myself out of bed and even then its hard to do stuff. I don't know what is going on with me and I dont want to be put on some meds that make me into a zombie. I just want to be me again..... and hopefully soon !!!

Missing you

I have a awesome life, A great family, a love for jesus, everything I could really ever want... except one part of my heart is missing, My son who I never got to actually know, I held him for a very short time but Never got to see his eyes. Its hard for me to talk about him without crying my eyes out the pain I have is so very real no matter how I try and hide it. It always comes back at times when I see gideon playing and when I go out it always seems I am looking for someone that I can never find.

As mothers we are suppose to protect our kids and I can't protect gabriel and if anything tears my inside up its that. I have no record of him even being alive... I have a make-shift birth certificate but not a real one. I dont even have proof that he passed away except the papers from the funeral home. During my labor with Gabriel I acted happy and played around but inside I was messed up, I just didn't want everyone to see how bad off I really was. I know this pain will never go away no matter what. Gideon and Noah mean so much to me and God has gave me such a good life but My heart is forever broken. Where ever you are Gabriel... Know I love you more than I have ever loved in my life and I am so proud of you.. You are perfect, Your feet never touched this world, Your not a sinner.. You are a angel and I always dream of you as mine, that may not be but I do hope your someones.. I will forever be waiting to have my heart as a whole. I love you

My Husband

I can't thank god enough for this guy, he is everything I could ever want and he loves me to death. He gets on my nerves and I am sure I get on his. I don't think god could of picked anyone better. We are not perfect, we fight all the time and argue over the most stupid things. But I love him more than my life and wouldn't trade him for anyone.... well maybe dog the bounty hunter... Just kidding. He treats me great and loves our kids and is a really good dad. He is perfect for me!!!

Sometimes we take for grantedthe people in our livesthat mean the most to us.I want to tell you how muchthat you being in my lifedoes for me every day in so many ways.Is there a way to put all the feelings I have about us in one small poem,or can I only hope to intimate the role that our friendship Has played in my life?I never imagined when we first met,that someday you would be such an important part of my life.That in my life full of uncertainties,I could count on knowingwith unfailing certainty,That you really are the person who knows me better than anyone else,including all my faults and foibles,and still loves me the way I am.You understand more aboutHow I feelHow I thinkHow I reactHow I handle the things in my life,You just knowEven when I don't give you much to go onSTILL YOU KNOWYou are one of the only people I can trustto let see those secret places in my soul,that most people will never see or even realize are there.You know the difference betweenwhen I am just blue and feeling overwhelmed,and when my life is really falling apart.You help me define those differencesAnd figure out the best way to get through.But you are also the first person I want to callwhen something good happens.When I write a new poemI want to read it to you,When I have a new ideaI want to share my creativity,with the person who has always had faith in meeven when everyone else couldn't see those things in me.You have loved me unconditionallyin spite of all the mistakes I have made with my life.You found a way to forgive mefor what I put you through,because you know a lot of itWas just my painblinding me to everything else.I know you have felt that same painjust in different ways,so you really do understandmany times when others don't.You are the best friend I never hadA true soulmate who sharesso many of my hopes and dreams.You know when you need meI will be there for youand that I am stronger than you think.I never want our relationship to feel like a burden that you must carry alone.We have gotten through a loton our journey together so far,and I always want to share the loadSo we can make it lighter for each other.You are the best friend I have ever hadand I value the hours we have spentboth laughing and crying together.But the thing that I thank God for---Every day of my life ---

Satan Is Bad, Jesus Is Good, Be like Jesus

I found this shirt at Walmart I had to get it.

Birthday,Birthday

I believe I was turning one there, I still remember the taste of that cake, werid isn't it. When I look back on this picture I really cherish this time. It was a time I didn't have to worry about bills or worry about taking care of kids and most of all I didn't have to worry about taking care of myself. My Third Birthday was my last birthday with my Dad and Mom together. I believe they divorced not to long after. The rest of my birthdays I spent one at my dads house and one at moms. It didn't seem to fair to me and now that I have grown up I do really wish they would of stayed together.

God has blessed me with so many things, A awesome family, Good friends, Beautiful Boys and My health. He has allowed me to stay on this earth for 22 years and Hopefully I get to stay a lot longer just so I can grow closer to him and watch my kids grow up.

Even though I feel like I am getting old, I feel alot more mature and am learning everyday from mistakes I have made and on how to teach gods word. God has gave me a gift and I feel like I haven't used that gift like I should. He gave me the gift of singing and that is the best gift ever. This year I have made a goal to use my gift and to grow closer to him by using it. *God Bless*

Worried and Excited

Tuesday was the day I had to go to the doctor(FUN,FUN) I really hate going to my doctor sometimes he acts like I am stupid for wanting my tubes tied, If you know me you know why I want them done, If not I will write a story on my "Problems" later on. Anyways I went for a check-up and took Josh and Noah with me, I left gideon at home cause he didn't want to leave his video games plus my step-mom offerd to watch him. I got to the doctor office and seen this really cute baby girl and so the mom and me talked a little bit about how old our babies were and about noah being 7 weeks early and having no problems what so ever ( Thank you god)

I got called back and took noah and Josh back in the room with me, As soon as my doctor walks in he asks if Noah has a shunt in his head. I am like what?? what is a shunt and why do you think he has one in his head. He went on and explained how he thought my sons head was getting to big which this is not the first time I have ever heard this (Gideon as a baby had to get a CT scan done to check for water on the brain, It came back negative and well he just has a big head, it runs in my husbands family) But I worry about everything so after the doctor told me this I went searching for babies who have water on their brain. What I found really upset me I saw pictures of babies which huge heads and tiny bodies, They can't raise their head up and they arn't able to get out of bed because their head is just so big. I felt so sorry for them and Thought about if I had to go through this with noah, I am not sure I could handle it.

So now Noah has a doctor appointment on Oct 10th for his six month check up and also to check his head size( I already have a feeling they are going to do a CT scan on him also) I am just praying that it comes back negative. Maybe I just worry to much and Need to stop looking everything up on google, Not everything can be right on there :)